If you are here, it may possibly be because you hate commuting as much as I do....

and probably live and/or work in London. Or you are stalking Bikram blogs (as I do).

Moving from a small town in Kent where the only affordable travel option was the relative luxury of coach travel, to the far away land of Zone 6 of the London Underground (Blunderground) I find the tube as exasperating as it is convenient (although sometimes, it’s not even that).

And onto why I have decided to blog; well, firstly, my other half (we’ll call him E, for that is (sort of) his name) thinks I need a creative outlet (place to vent) from being an office drone other than bawling drunkenly into a karaoke mic. And because I think, I *know* that there are others like me out there; the ones who scoff at the idiot tourists who do not hold on to the thoughtfully provided handrail. Those whose blood boils at the lack of personal hygiene. Those who oft wonder: why is that seat wet?

Well, I am here to share my tales, commiserate with you about slipping over in the cold sick of an office manager named Dave and maybe form some sort of TFL Curmudgeon Club.

So without further ado:

THE DRUNK

So one morning, E and I got on at our usual stop and found ourselves sitting opposite a man who appeared to be fast asleep reclining across four of the six seats, until the doors shut and the aroma of stale vodka and bizarrely sugar puffs, started to make my eyes water.

As our train passed though each zone, the train started to fill with commuters, one game girl decided to sit at the head of the snoring gentleman: schoolgirl error. In response to this move, the man proceeded to rest his head on the lap of this poor woman, much to my delight and her horror.

By the time we reached zone two, the emergency alarm was pulled and two station attendants had come to wake and eject the drunk man from the train and normalcy was restored...Or so we thought.

A corpulent gentleman in a pinstripe suit sat and unfolded his broadsheet (We’ll get to those duvet sized papers people insist on reading in another post), started to read and then sprang up with the speed of a champion pole-vaulter. Thinking that this was her lucky day, a lady wearing extremely high heels immediately moved to take his place only to hear the rounded one utter “I wouldn’t sit there if I were you; it’s wet”.

The entire carriage groaned their choral disgust, and more than one person probably went to work that day with a drunk mans rheumy, vodka tainted wee permeating the seat of their pants. So, commuters beware the wet seat, it may not be a leaky window.

A GENERAL RANT ABOUT EATING ON THE TUBE

There are a number of highly offensive things I have observed, not to mention smelled people eating on the tube. But my personal favourites are as follows:

Cool Doritos – Does anyone else think these smell a bit like vomit? A very hungry lady whom I was lucky enough to be sitting next too opened a family bag of these and managed to destroy most of the bag between Bank and Mile end. She liked to share though and do you know how she did this? By showering me with crumbs. Lovely.

Pate – Though not on the Blunderground, the DLR is still part of TFL’s conspiracy to MAKE SANE PEOPLE CRAZY and this is where I bore witness to the sight of a woman (Ladies, why?) tearing chunks of a baguette and dipping them into a slab of stinking, barf inducing duck liver pate.

Burrito – Don’t worry ladies, this time it was a man committing the cardinal sin of making every other person on the carriage breathe through their mouth. Burrito man spilled guacamole on my coat. I fantasised about killing him and making it look like an accident.

Here’s a list of other things I have smelled people eating on the tube: miso soup, donner kebab, something with pesto and my personal favourite and least offensive the humble jacket potato.

Anyway, I shall leave you with some food for thought (ho ho ho):

“In 2000, University College London’s Department of Forensics removed an entire row of tube seats from a Central Line train, in order to subject it to a series of rigorous tests.

The results? …

These scientists discovered hairs from humans, dogs, rats and mice, in addition to seven different types of insect… fleas amongst them, and most of them alive. There were traces of vomit from at least nine different people, in addition to the urine of four different people, both human and rat excrement and traces of human semen on the seats.

Inside the seats themselves they discovered the festering remains of six mice, two rats, and even a previously unheard-of fungus growing in the warm, dark and damp conditions of the underground. They found that the armrests in the London underground can be smeared with the sweat and oils of as many as 400 different people.”

Still hungry?

R x